Fix-Fix

I'm not good at fixing things. I wish we didn't live in a world where stuff is designed to break – we don't – so I'm at it with the Universal all-in-one toilet repair kit. I read the directions, one step at a time – calm and methodical. At step 4 I hit a problem. I miss placed a bolt – 3 holes, 2 bolts, and five washers – not right. I've been neat and tidy laying out tools and supplies in an obsessive way. A long search, no bolt. “Improvise Furman”, says my ego. I scavenge the old bolt out of the trash – a weeks trash does not stir me after I've had my head in the toilet. I find the old bolt, install it and reading on, the subtext to Step 4, “The kit contains 2 extra rubber washers for toilets that have 3 bolts. If you need a third bolt, reuse one of your existing bolt sets along with the new rubber washers supplied.” That corporate bastard! He skimped on bolts, burned my patience.  How much money did he save, 5 cents? Five cents multiplied by a million toilet kits – he bought a beach house. At step seven, the toilet instructions start to brag about the high-performance flapper. I'm still mad about looking for the bolt and the bastards beach house, now images of him with a $1,000 escort in a 1920's flapper dress have burned me further. I refocus and finish the task. I flush the toilet and water exploded from the bottom. I needed a tank to bowl gasket, NOT SUPPLIED in the Universal all-in-one toilet repair kit. It made me express my limited French vocabulary and I've now quit for the night. Won't get around to fixing the toilet till next Sunday. Piss in a bucket! I hope the bastards wife catches him getting his Great Gatsby stirred by his high-performance flapper.